


Recovery

by Wilko23



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Betrayal, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Female Buck, Hurt Evan "Buck" Buckley, Hurt/Comfort, Post Lawsuit, Stalker, hurt Buck, injured evan buckley
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-22
Updated: 2021-01-28
Packaged: 2021-03-09 23:35:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 19,508
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27674134
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wilko23/pseuds/Wilko23
Summary: Set post lawsuit, Buck is on the outs with the team, this ends up being more dangerous for her than everyone could have predicted, when a stalker makes themselves known.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley & Bobby Nash, Evan "Buck" Buckley & Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Evan "Buck" Buckley & Maddie Buckley, Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Comments: 37
Kudos: 270





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Just a random idea I had about how things could of turned out if we had female Buck going through more than just a pissed of team. I’m new to all of this so let me know what you think of you read this and thoughts on the title, I’m not sold on it. Thanks guys!

She was never one for dropping her problems onto other people, she’d been alone as a kid. She had Maddie of course, but then she left. Her parents were there but, they weren’t at the same time. After her sister left her relationship got worse and worse with her parents, she was an unwanted child and they would do anything to try and get rid of her. She new what it was but never admitted it to herself or anyone. Not even her sister Maddie who had gone through the same thing. Of course she wouldn’t blame her upbringing on her need to have to help anyone and everyone if they needed it forgoing her own need for help.

All the things that had happened Buck would never say it was anyone’s fault but her own, a preconceived notion that she was to blame for everything. She would never admit that what happened with her parents was wrong, they were trying to show her how to be acceptable in society. Her father had once said after a particularly bad night ‘Buck up Evie Its not so bad, so just Buck up’. So at just 10, she did what her father said and just carried on as if nothing happened. Not acknowledging that it did. She was 17 when she ran away, she just couldn’t deal with it anymore. She saved up as much as she could to get away from that life and try and find herself a family, someone who would want her.

And she did, she worked so hard to fit in and find a family for it to all be taken away again. She fought to stay with the 118 to prove she belonged there and she could be trusted. But they didn’t want her back and they found someone better. She couldn’t just ‘Buck up’ this time though. She was vulnerable and weak and she let that goddam lawyer persuade her to take them to court. She didn’t realise he was using her just to get a payday until it was too late and everything was ruined. She refused her money and got her job back but everything had changed. She managed for a time tried everything to get in there good graces but nothing worked. She got glares, snide remarks, pushing and shoving. It was all most like being at home.

The worst was Eddie treating her like a piece of gum stuck on the bottom of his boot. They were in better place after the tsunami. They both new they had a thing. It was more than best friends and they both new it. They had slipped up a few times while both drinking and ending up making out like teenagers on the couch. It never went further than until they had had it out at the beginning of lawsuit. What started out as a fight ended up being angry devastating and passionate love making all over Bucks apartment. She foolishly believed that maybe they work it out. But of course she was wrong, she woke up and Eddie’s was gone. Heartbroken she looked for her phone, to she a message from the guy she loved.

‘Last night shouldn’t have happened. It was just sex’.

Her heart broke into a million pieces at that point and she was ready to give up drop everything an just runaway again. But the lawyer was right there getting in her head again convinced her to fight, she could see the dollar signs in his eyes but she couldn’t think for herself so she just nodded. The next time she saw Eddie didn’t go how she thought it would. She knew it would be bad but man talk about kicking a puppy while she was down. 

‘You’re exhausting’ he screamed at her knowing those words those words would haunt her. They would flash up in her mind everyday since he said them damaging her more than any punch would. So when she got her job back she tried to apologise to everyone. But that only made things worse. She slowly withdrew back to herself she faked it with Maddie she had been through enough but everyone else she just didn’t want to try. She acknowledged people of course but she didn’t start conversations, stayed away from the kitchen in the firehouse. She lost her spark, her blue eyes always dull. Her body dangerously losing weight as she barely ate and barely slept. Nightmares plaguing her dreams make her more nauseous than not. So she didn’t eat at work and barely ate at home, it would be just enough too make it through to the next day. She knew what she was doing. She wouldn’t admit it to herself as she wasn’t actively trying to cause harm to herself. But she new deep down in her subconscious she had just had enough. 

It was when the letters started that she would hope and pray that someone would notice that something was wrong. They starting out simple threats but they got worse and worse explaining what they would do to her in explicit detail. She knew someone was watching her. And even if they weren’t their all the time it felt like they were. She could feel their eyes full of hatred baring into her. In all honesty Buck was petrified. She wanted to run to Bobby the only healthy father figure she had, she’d tried to once. But the look of disdain, had her muttering and apology and running out his office. 

She didn’t bother trying to tell anyone else she had a stalker. And how it was getting progressively worse. It wasn’t just notes, it was calls, texts, and emails. It had started of so slowly she had ignored it, but then all of sudden the intensity of it had exploded She knew they wanted her scared and it was working. She’d been at the house alone, everyone else out on a call. She’d finished her chores and was going to the locker room when she found them. Threats not just to herself but to everyone. The worse were the pictures, there was so many of her, from all over the city, at work, at home. They’d gotten some of her in the shower. It was the last one though, that had her heart beating and running to throw up in the toilet. It was of her, her sister, the 118, and their family, there kids of Eddie and Christopher at one of their get togethers. And the whole thing was burnt and covered in red. It was those two photos that sent her head spinning.

She sat in the bathroom for what seemed like forever. She’d slammed her locker shut leaving all the contents inside locked up tight. So she stayed in the bathroom in a petrified daze for so long she didn’t her the crew coming back. She heard her name being shouted by Bobby, for a minute she thought there was concern in his voice. But as soon as he found her in the bathroom throwing up that all but disappeared.

‘Sorry Cap, it must have been something ate’ she whispered and ran off to continue her chores for the rest of the day.

Unbeknown to her though, the cap had seen her. Probably for the first time in a long time. He saw how defined her cheeks were, dark circles under her eyes and how skinny her wrists had been. He saw the absolutely look of fear in her eyes. And before he could ask she was running away. Bucks appearance and utter terror had concerned him enough for him to rethink his approach, to one Evan Buckley, he decided he would speak to her next shift, whatever was going on worried him but he’d seen her like this before, and anything he did now would shut her down.

She avoided everyone for the rest of the shift, more than what she usually did these days. She almost ran out the door as soon as her shift was over, she bypassed the locker room. Leaving everything but her phone and keys. The eyes of the 118 crew staring at her retreating figure.

That evening was weird for Buck. She was panicked there was absolutely know doubt about that. She shouldn’t have cracked open the bottle of wine but it was the only in the apartment that would calm her nerves to a point where she could make a plan. Her first instinct was to run, pack a bag and leave, make sure everyone she cared about was safe. The only problem with that though was whoever tormenting her knew everything about her, where she lived, worked, who she cared about the most. No, running away wasn’t going to cut it. She could come clean to the team but that would put her relationship at more risk. So she text the one person she could rely on to help asking them for help.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Second chapter for you guys, not really sure how long this will be, will see where the story goes! Let me know what you think

Buck was startled awake at what she used to consider the ungodly hour of 4am, now it was just life. She was very aware of her mental struggles, not yet willing to accept the labels, she just didn’t have the time or patience to deal with them right now. She had thought it would settle when she was back at work and she was back with her family but that was clearly wishful thinking. In fact it had only gotten worse. Head pounding slightly from the bottle of wine she had drunk, not only to settle her nerves but to help her drift of into oblivion before the wave would take her, or the truck. She didn’t get to pick her poison when in came to nightmares unfortunately.Sighing she kicked of her covers and made her way to the bathroom, setting about her morning routine. 

It being to early too go anywhere for coffee she made a batch of instant and ate a protein bar for breakfast, that being the only thing she could manage. Checking the time not even fifteen minutes had gone by. She arranged to meet Athena for coffee at 7:00am just before her shift at 8:00am. She didn’t think she’d need longer than that, she had time to back up, screen shot and save everything she had received last night and save it in numerous places as well as copying and uploading all the letters and photos she’d received. The only thing she had missing was what had been left in her locker at the station. They could pick that up after, knowing that nobody would go near her locker but she had put a new padlock on there to be on the safe side. If this was last week, she’d be worried about the consequences of what the others would think. She would like to think it was the picture of the 118 that pushed her to say something. In part it was, but it was more so that picture of Christopher. She may not have been allowed to see him, but she damn well still cared and she wasn’t about to let anything happen to him. Going after Chris was a step to far. She wasn’t going to let whoever was tormenting her get away with it. 

Fed up of her thoughts spinning around in her head she made her way over to the little area that she used to work out, she had enough equipment to get through a decent work out in her tiny apartment. Even managing to a rig a little pull station under her stairs as well as a punching bag. Usually she would do this at night, trying to exhaust herself to sleep but also not wanting to over do it before shifts. But she needed a distraction. Opening up to Athena would mean shit was about to hit the fan and not just because of the stalker. She had been avoiding both Athena and Maddie like the plague. Not wanting to drag them in to the tension and cause even more rifts. More so because she didn’t want to lose the only two people she had left.

She started of rotating on some a basic warm up and transitioning to a mild core work out. Blasting her music like she was in her ears she could go on for hours, forgetting about the world outside and just focusing on the music and her movements. She rotated between the floor, pull ups and the punching bag. Nothing was settling the thoughts going through her head. She pushed herself like that until she could no longer stand. Sweat covering her body and chest heaving out heavy breathes. When she could stand she stretched and cooled down. 

When 6:30 rolled around she moved, putting on a fresh sports bra, shorts and flannel shirt. Not really bothering to make an effort she wouldn’t be there long and then she’d get changed to her uniform. She sent a quick message to Athena checking that it was still okay to meet knowing the mother figure would be awake. Waiting on a response she set about packing her uniform, and making another coffee. She walked back to her phone, mug in hand to respond to Athena, there not being many people making use of her number lately. Athena let her know that she’d be at the coffee house round the corner from the station at the time they agreed. Typing back her thanks, she was interrupted by a knock at her apartment. 

Pulling her face she made her way to the door, though it was rare it wasn’t unusual that a neighbour would bother her at this time. Not thinking, to look through the peephole in the door, she opened the door. She realised her mistake almost immediately, but it was still too late.The tall figure before her was forcing the door open and pushing her to the ground before she even had a chance to try and shut the door. Her intruder closing the door and locking it before turning around to face Buck.

‘You!’  
‘I think it’s time for a little chat, don’t you.’ The voice of Chase Mackey echoed in her ears as everything went black.

Athena didn’t want to jump to conclusions, that being said she was pissed at being stood up. She’d been early to meet Buck at the coffee house, there’s an unspoken rule between the women that, if it’s important you get there early. And from the bits of information she had gotten of Buck this was damned important. Which is why a feeling of unease had run through her mind ever since the younger women she considered family had messaged for her help. Not divulging much, most likely to stop Athena from worrying, she knew that the kid was facing a potential stalker. Knowing how unpredictable these kinds of people could be she was worried.

She had waited in hopes that Buck would turn up, knowing the longer she was there the less likely it would be she would appear. Walking out the coffee house, she made her way to the car, going as fast as she could to the fire house without her lights and sirens. By the time she got there it was 8:15am, and was hoping to walk in to see the an apologetic smile on the blonde women’s face. She was disappointed when she made her way to the kitchen area to see every one but the Buck’s face. She couple see the concern on there faces as she overheard their conversation.

‘Maybe she’s sick’ Eddie sighed, concerned at the lack of Bucks presence, but still to hurt to admit that he fucked up and missed her. So he showed everyone a mask of indifference.

‘Come on Eddie, differences aside, when has Buck ever been late or missed a shift with out calling in......never that’s when!’ Hen threw in her 2 cents in the situation. She’d noticed a shift in Buck the last few weeks, but after seeing her yesterday she was worried. ‘Has she picked up any of your guy’s calls?’

‘That was Maddie, she not answering her either’ Chimney jointed the conversation after putting the phone down.

‘So I’m not the only one wondering where our Buck is.’ Athena announce her presence to the group. Noticing how some of them jumped.

Her husband turned around greeting her with a kiss on the cheek and promise of coffee. ‘What do you need with Buck?’ He asked concerned, his wife didn’t know how things had been at the station since the kid had returned and he knew it would cause friction if she found out.

‘We arranged to meet for coffee this morning, to talk about something......someone worrying her. I usually wouldn’t divulge this, but considering she’s not hear, it’s raising a lot of red flags for me’

‘Wait what do you mean she was worried about someone?in what way.’ It was Eddie who was now desperate for answers. His relationship with his best friend was rocky but that didn’t mean he wanted her hurt.

Sighing Athena continued ‘She was worried about a stalker, from little she told me it was starting to get worse, thought she would have mentioned it to you guys?’

Before anyone had chance to respond, both the firehouse and Athena received two separate calls. One a domestic disturbance and the other an apartment block fire. Shock registered on the teams faces as they realised where both calls were located.

The home of one Evan Buckley.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, here’s the third chapter, which has a lot of Buck whump in there. Thanks for your support and let me know what you think!

Buck’s vision wavered before it returned. She hadn’t blacked out fully from the blow, but it had been enough to disorientate. It also put things into perspective, the sleaze bag lawyer would hurt her if given the chance. She also realised that it was very unlikely she would make it to meet Athena, much less work. She was hoping the former would realise that something was definitely wrong and make her way to the apartment before spilling the beans to the rest of the firehouse.

She was brought back to the moment when she heard footsteps making their way closer to her. She felt so small on the floor under his gaze. His leering eyes, taking a moment to appreciate the beginning of his handy work. Buck was very capable of holding her own against the right person, but seeing the face of her deranged lawyer she knew she was out of her depth here. Scrambling backwards as he started towards her matching her pace.

‘Ah, ah, ah It’s time you paid for what you did to me’ he all but practically hissed out

‘Seriously?! What would that be because if I recall I paid you for you time!’ She responded making her way to her feet, realising she was backing herself into a corner.

‘Bitch! Don’t play innocent with me! You lost me my money, my fucking job! It was all you!”

Stretching her arms out, in what Bobby told her was a calming gesture in her early days of training ‘Look Chase, all I did was decide to get my job back, remember I told you that’s all I wanted from the suit’ It was at this point that she really should think before she speaks, or just not speak at all. ‘I didn’t force you to let loose on the chief commissioner, that was all on you’ The scream of anger and punch coming her way told her enough, she needed to keep her mouth shut, there was going to be no reasoning with this man, and that the fucking gestures Bobby told her about were useless.

After backing herself against the wall, all she could do at this stage was lift her arms against the attack of fists raining down on her. She tried to protect her head but that left her upper torso an easy target. Mackey knew this and proceeded to throw punches into her rib cage. She tried not giving him the satisfaction of screaming in pain, but with the force he was hitting her with had definitely broken some of her ribs. Losing her footing she fell to the floor winded, trying to catch her breath through the pain in her chest. The punches quickly turned to kicks, and she was reminded of a younger version of herself, to small to fight back. Being told to take it and ‘Buck up’. No she was an adult and she didn’t have to sit here like a child and take it. 

On her side, her stomach was left wide open, had already taken a few hits but she was ready this time. As it made contact she used both hands to grab his ankle nails digging in deep, using her strength to push Mackey’s leg higher, unbalancing his stable leg. She jumped up as he crashed to the floor, ignoring the pain she ran towards the kitchen her phone on the counter. If she was quick enough she could grab her phone and run up to the bathroom. Her feet were halfway up the stairs hand pressing down on speed dial, she had no idea who she was calling, because she was too slow. She felt a hand shoot out and yank her leg back causing her to fall. She yelped in surprise, shoving her left arm out to soften the blow to her forehead did nothing except leave a shooting pain running up her wrist, and bloody running into her eye. She managed to grip onto the edge of the open stair and turn herself onto her back pulling back her free leg she forced it down down on to the former lawyers head, once, twice, three times the charm, she thought to herself as he lost his grip and slid down the stairs.

She’d lost her phone at this point and locking her self in the bathroom would only work for so long, but it was her best shot. Pushing herself up she ran for the room just of her bedroom. Well she thought she ran, it certainly felt like she had. But she was far, far too slow, and she had had barely slowed down Mackey with those kicks. He let her get to the top of the stairs knowing full well he could get there in time to catch up to her. 

‘So you wanted to take this to the bedroom, you could have just said’ he sneered at her.  
Pure fear shot threw her and he took another step towards her. There’s not a lot that would make Buck just freeze, but the implication in Chase’s voice was clear and honestly she didn’t know what her next move would be in trying to get out of this mess, more importantly she didn’t know if her body could fight anymore. Her head was spinning, chest was a pit of fire, she new she had broken ribs and the more she excepted herself, the harder it was to breathe. In her frozen stupor she felt him slide up to her, his hands gentle and sickening running down her arms, squeezing at her butt and moving to her front. Where is hand was heading up her thigh was the jolt she needed. She would not let this happen, not with out a fight. She looked him straight in the eye, she thought she said something but if she did it wasn’t registering, and with all of her energy she pushed him backwards and he went tumbling down the stairs.

He tumbled down the bottom of the stairs, crashing into wall opposite. When he didn’t move, her legs couldn’t support her weight any longer and she crumpled to the ground with a sob. The room was spinning, it almost felt hazy and it was so hard to breathe she just wanted all the pain to go away. She could just take a quick nap and everything would be okay. That’s what she really wanted to rest, but there was still the problem of the piece of shit at the bottom of the stairs. Granted he wasn’t moving, but how long would that be for. Now was her chance. 

‘Move Buck, you have to move’ she thought she was saying it in her head a little lack lustre motivational speak. It wasn’t, she was saying it out loud, trying to get her broken body to move. It took a while but she got her legs underneath her, left arm cradled around her stomach and ribs. She used her right arm on the wall to support her weight. As she slowly made her way down the stairs there was a feeling. She couldn’t explain it it was just something she should recognise, it there was already too much going on and she couldn’t focus on everything running through her head because see needed to get down the damn stairs. So she painfully carried on hand on the wall, one foot in from of the other until she made it to the very bottom. 

He had still yet to move, a good thing for her, but now the problem was he was lay in her front of her door and she had no way to move him out the way. Granted, she had to be strong for her job and she was, just not when she’d been beaten half to death. She had no idea what to do at this point so, she slowly made her way over to the little kitchen and grabbed herself a knife, though if she was honest with herself there was no way she had the energy to use it. It was at this point that she found herself unable to breathe, a coughing fit soon assaulted her, she tried her best to remain standing but she couldn’t take in oxygen no matter how hard she tried. The world surrounding her because a haze, she realised to late it wasn’t because she was dizzy, it was smoke slowly filling her small apartment. 

In her distraction she didn’t hear the footsteps making her way towards her. The lawyer would get to finish her off after all. Slowly he bent down and wrapped his hand around her neck cutting off what little oxygen she had. He didn’t say anything to her just stared into her eyes, his own full of hatred, in all honestly the look he gave her was scarier than any words he could have said. They stayed like that for what seemed like hours, but was merely seconds. He ended the attack on her by sliding the knife she had hold of into her stomach, not realising he had even taken it for her. He couldn’t let that be the end though. He wanted her to feel as much pain as possible, he slammed her down, not to the ground, but through the mice of glass and wood dinning table, she had bought for family dinners with Chris and Eddie.Then he simply just walked away.

As he walked away, and she stared up at her ceiling she she finally recognised what she should have on the stairs. What the haze was in her apartment, the coughing and not being able to breathe. Fire, her apartment was on fire. She tried to stay awake, but between her beaten, broken body and the smoke slowly filling her apartment, it didn’t really last long. She eventually passed out thinking how ironic it was that her apartment was on fire.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for comments and kudos guys! Hers another chapter for you! Not a medical profession so this may not be accurate! As always let me know what you think!

She wasn’t dead yet, was Bucks first thought. She was still trapped in her apartment, flames and smoke slowly filling up the room. Not thinking it possible for her to even be alive at this point, she really wondered if there was any point in trying. She wasn’t naive she’d taken a lot of damage, and well her apartment was burning down around her. Her chances were slim to none. If you’d have asked her 6 months ago she’d have done anything to be alive, 3 months ago she was on the fence. And now we’ll now she didn’t really know. She rolled onto her side and tried to crawl towards the door, still fighting to live even though she didn’t know if she wanted to, you would think that would be her answer. Maybe she just wanted to go out on her terms, she was done letting people make choices for her, Bobby,Eddie, And that bastard Chase. Whatever the reason her subconscious and body weren’t done.

She barely broke away from the table, no more energy to move. So she just lay there, in a daze, barely conscious, thinking of everyone she loved. The longer she was there the less she could breathe, coughs still plaguing her, lungs fighting against the smoke, she was barely there when she heard it. A voice mixed in with the crackles of fire. She tried, to speak but she just couldn’t. So she thought about her family, from times before the lawsuit, from before the truck and everything had started going wrong. To the times she was a family.

The voice grew louder and louder, no that’s not right it was closer. She realised this when she felt hands on her, something was place over her face, and for a few blessed moments she could breathe. It didn’t last long, as she felt herself being lifted and rushed out, eyes barely open, she could see there would be no returning back here if she made it. The voice kept speaking to her, telling her it would be okay, though from the bits she heard it sounded like they were trying to convince themselves, she did know the voice though it was familiar she just couldn’t place it. 

She must have drifted of because all of a sudden, she’s outside, a smaller mask on her face forcing oxygen into her nose and mouth. There are more voices now, shouting at her shouting at each other, trying to get a response from her, they almost seem panicked. Hands are all over her body, she can feel someone rubbing knuckles hard on her chest, got no response, she could feel her eyelids being pulled back and a light checking her pupil response, she briefly thought she saw the worried face of Chimney, but she didn’t let on. No, she let them do what they needed and didn’t make a sound, she wasn’t with it enough to feel the pain her body was in. Well that was until somebody pressed down on the stab wound in her stomach and relentlessly poked at her obviously broken ribs. Her back involuntarily arched at the pain, that one act sent shockwaves of pain coursing through her body, her arms trying to push away the hands.

‘Sorry’ 

‘Your okay Buck, you’ll be okay’

‘I know it hurts, but we have to’

She heard as she reacted to the pain.

She cried and screamed telling them to stop. She knew what they were doing, trying to stabilise her before getting on the rig, but goddam it hurt. It was getting harder and to breathe, she’d usually think this was the start of a panic attack, but the feeling was all too familiar. She reached out made contact with an arm, using it to try and pull herself to onto her side. 

‘We got you Buck, stay still’ it was Hen trying to calm her, there were arms on her trying to stop her from rolling over, they didn’t get it, why she need on her side.

Hand still gripped on the arm, she forced her eyes open, forced herself to see. Huh, she was gripping onto Eddie’s arm for dear life. She looked into his worried face, she could tell it was bad just from that one glance, she was surprised too, that he was here. She tried rolling again, hands stopping her keeping in place. So she flung other hand haphazardly to the oxygen mask moving it off her face, still trying to get on her side. 

‘Ed...die.......be..........move’ she whispered, it was barely a sentence, but she hoped differences aside, that he understood that she needed to be put on her side. He must have understood, it wasn’t straight away it was when she started coughing and heaving. They quickly rolled her onto her side, pressure still on her stomach and Chim supported her head, as she coughed and spluttered up blood.

‘Another PE?’ She thinks that was Hen

Buck tried to answer, it wasn’t, she’d been off the blood thinners for months, no more clots and well she would definitely be dead by now if she was still on them. Her trying to answer just ending up with more blood. 

‘No, it’s not that, there’d be more blood if she was still susceptible....hang on’ Eddie’s hands where there again prodding at her ribs, no matter how gentle they tried to be, they weren’t ‘Ribs are broken. Hemopneumothorax?’

‘Shit, get her flat’

She knew what this was, blood and air trapped in her lungs, knew what they were gonna do and she wasn’t prepared for more pain. Why the hell had she not passed out. She wasn’t lucid by any means, she was loosing more and more time but she could still feel, the fingers on her chest counting down where ribs should be, the scalpel digging in the her skin, hands pressing her body down as it involuntarily fights the pain, the tube being inserted to her body to relive the pressure. It didn’t matter how much of a relief it was to breath easier. From her experience this is usually done with pain meds, and if they had given her some she damn well wasn’t feeling it.

It was strange, having the team rally around her again, she tells herself there are just doing there job, that there looks of concern and fear are a part of the job. There not though, there’re all sacred worried, there poker faces not doing a good job of hiding the fact she’s in trouble. Eddie, love of her life Eddie because that was what he had slowly become, he hid his face behind a wall of anger and emotionless expression, looks downright petrified. And he still hasn’t let go of her hand. Maybe he’s trying to hold on, keep her holding on, that’s all she can hope anyway.

They notice it before she does, there’s panic in there voices as they scream out to each other. There so much going on that she can’t focus on anything, but it’s Chim that seems to have the most pressing concern.

‘Her sats are dropping!’ Something metal is slid inside her mouth pulling her jaw open ‘Fuck, throats swelling shut’....‘Smoke inhalation’....‘unprotected airway’ words were being thrown around by everyone she couldn’t keep track.

Her train of through rudely interrupted by the return of the metal scope and someone attempting to slide a tube down her throat. She had enough sense of mind to lock her jaw, her body didn’t like what they were trying to do, it didn’t belong.

‘Let me try’

Someone different was at her head, they whispered in her ear, pleading to let them help her. They tried again but she didn’t budge, a hand stroking her hair, more whispers, then they said it, and they promised. So she fought against the unnatural feeling of the tube being pushed down her throat, and let them intubate her. It would have been done one way or another, but it’s was easier this way. She felt herself being lifted onto a back board and then she was floating, floating into the darkness and away from the pain.


	5. Chapter 5

Athena, had been the one to ring Maddie. Tell her that her younger sister was barely alive. She’d always been able to but emotions aside when she needed to, but today, her poker face just wasn’t cutting it. She felt the trace of wetness under her eyes as she remembered seeing Buck being carried out the burning building, covered in blood, bruises and soot, it was like she’d been pulled out of a horror scene. She had kept that from Maddie of course. Maddie was obviously distraught, but when she finished up telling her that she had been attacked and that was the main cause of her injuries she was inconsolable.

After Maddie confirmed she was on her way, one thing was sticking in her head and that was how had no one noticed that Buck was in trouble. Granted she had tried seeing the kid, a lot of times over the past few months, but her efforts were always turned down with some reason or another. It just didn’t make sense that she wouldn’t say anything to anyone, she new the women better than that, hell she raised her better than that.

Making her way back to the waiting area, she was greeted by her adopted family. The looks on there faces is what made Athena realise that not everything is as okay with Buck she was led to believe. There was different expressions of concern, worry on all the faces before her, but what stuck out was the guilt, hell it was like a goddamn sign.

‘So, whose doing to tell me why y’all look like your the guilty party her?’ She didn’t give them a chance

‘Or why none of you seemed to know she was in trouble, when I damn well know for a fact that girl shares everything with all of you!’ 

They all had the decency to look even more guilty than before.

‘Well’ 

What follow was a chorus of if, buts and hurts excuses that didn’t sit well with her.

‘You’re stupidity ignoring Buck could have cost that girl her life’

‘Thena....you can’t say that, there’s no way we could of known’ more excuses, this time her husband.

‘Bobby, any one in Bucks situation would have done the same damn thing! Hell I would of! She was cleared to go back to work! You know this, you all do! Yes you love her and want to protect her but she’s a grown ass adult who can make her own decisions! And she was cleared!’ 

She paused taking a breath. 

‘You guys are a team, a family, you have to be in this job. By excluding Buck, holding a grudge, who did she have to turn too. Not me, not really and not Maddie. Even if you say she did, she wouldn’t..didn’t and we know it’s so our relationships weren’t damaged and now, well now we’re here’

She finished her rant and sat down and waited. No one said anything, everyone clearly reflecting on what she had said. There were faces in hands, tears welling in eyes. The biggest surprise was Eddie, clearly distraught Eddie was openly crying in front of everyone.

The waiting room was silent after Athena had given everyone a piece of her mind. She could have dished it out but right now she just didn’t see the point. Maddie arrived not 15 minutes after she had received the call, obviously inconsolable. As awful as it was, they told her about the state they had found her younger sister in. She felt guilty, of course for letting Buck push her away, but if she Buck doesn’t wanna talk then she won’t, no matter how hard you try. She was of course angry when she found out the treatment the team had been dishing out to her baby sister, it more so disappointed in Chimney for not being honest with her about the situational the firehouse.  
No one dared move a muscle in fear of missing an update from the surgeon, they’d been at the hospital for hours and they were still yet to hear anything. They didn’t even know if she was alive but they were going with the no news is good news philosophy because they all knew that they would not know how they would deal with losing Buck. So they all tried to steer away from that thought. It was another two hours until a doctor stood before them, asking for the family of Evan Buckley. Without wasting a second everyone was up on the feet and holding their breath.

‘She’s alive..’ 

Maddie sobbed as everyone let out the breath they’d been holding.

‘I’ll be honest with you, it was touch and go. We lost her twice in the table and she’s she’s still in critical condition. She’ll be in ICU until she’s stable, she lot a lot of blood, the stab wound didn’t hit any major organs but it did hit the spleen, we managed to avoid having to remove it’

‘The broken ribs as I’m sure you know pierced her lung, we set her ribs as best we can and repaired the lung but we will be keeping the chest tube in for the time being. She’ll stay on a ventilator for now, with the smoke inhalation and lung injury it’s too risky at this stage, so we have her sedated until she’s stable, then we will see about the vent. Individually the injuries she sustained wouldn’t land her in the ICU but she’s been through a lot of trauma all at once, so we need to be cautious. She’s in recovery then She’ll be moved, she her arm will be fitted for a cast once she’s settled’

Maddie was the first issue her thanks for saving her sisters life. The rest of the group soon following.

‘Can we see her?’ She asked tentatively.

‘There’s a strict no more than 2 at a time policy in ICU, once she’s settled I’ll inform an a nurse to come and get you’ 

She nodded at the doctor and offered a grateful smile.

Buck knew she had to be in some dire situation. At the very least she knew that her real self was very much asleep. How did she know this? Well she was at the beach, she was the only person at the beach. It was calm and peaceful, she couldn’t remember why she was here just that she had been miserable and now well now she wasn’t. She knew though she didn’t want to leave.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry it took this long to update! As always thanks for your comments and kudos! Enjoy the next chapter and let me know what you think!!!!

She was trapped, trapped in the never ending perfect dream of peace and tranquility. Buck should be worried she had never felt so at peaceful before, not that she hasn’t tried. She trialed yoga once to steady her racing thoughts but she’s just to high energy to be this peaceful. She always has something to do or something in her mind. Maybe that’s what this is, her subconscious telling her she needs to slow down? Nope that can’t be right she’s still young, there’s no reason for her to slow down. Yet there is something at the back of her mind telling her, pushing her to wake up. But she felt that for the first time in a long time she was happy here alone.

....

It had been four days since Buck had been found and rushed to the hospital. She was never alone in the hours that visitors were allowed. Between the 118 crew, Athena and Maddie there was always someone with her. More often than not it was Maddie, surprising followed by Eddie. Maddie though, she wanted to be there for her sister she wasn’t going to let her push her away so easily again. Not when Buck had done so much for her when she had finally left Doug. Not when she had almost died.

The doctors were hopefully of a full recovery with no long lasting injuries, meaning Buck would be able to go back to work and keep up her active lifestyle. She only need to wake up. The doctors were stumped as to why Buck was still unconscious, they had gradually reduced the sedation after her second day in ICU as her oxygen levels had improved, she was stubborn though, liked to do thing in her own time. The doctors had even tried jumped starting her system by taking her of the vent. That did not go down well when she her vitals started to crash.

Athena did her best to pop by as much as she could, but she found herself wanting to be useful in trying to catch the bastard who did this. She had her suspicions but need evidence and Bucks witness statement. Of course the fire had caused a lot of damage at Bucks apartment, so there was minimal evidence they could actually use. After Athena was told about how Buck seemed off the previous day of her attack and what made her reach out, she search her warrant. She hated the invading her privacy but she had to find who did this, and after seeing those pictures in her locker she was damn near close to wanting to commit murder.

Hen and chimney would visit together after there shifts, often talking about their day making sure she didn’t miss out on anything. Between themselves they tried to pick up any extra shifts of Bucks where they weren’t on all together. So they visited her when they at the beginning or end of a shift. Bobby, Bobby though he dropped by minimally, the guilt festering away. He couldn’t stand to see Buck so strong and animated so weak and pale.couldn’t stand the fact that while he thought he was trying to protect her, she ended up worse off. So he found himself at her apartment, trying to salvage anything he could for when she would wake up because she would.

Eddie didn’t know what to do with himself. He had a kid to look after and needed to work but he couldn’t, he just couldn’t leave Buck alone. He knew what he was doing, had subconsciously started doing it even before the lawsuit. He was pushing her away. They all though he was oblivious to his feelings for her. He was in fact very aware. And that is why Buck is in the hospital right now. Because he was to scared of losing her. After everything that had happened he had never been so scared of her coming back to work than after that welcome back party and she couldn’t breathe mouth filled with blood. So he agreed with Bobby, needed to take time to heal. But then lawsuit. His reaction of course was harsh and he regretted a lot of things, like leaving Buck the morning after they had sex without a word knowing how broken she would be. But he couldn’t put himself at risk of losing everything, not again because that what she was his everything. So he turned up to the hospital everyday. Determined to make this right and be there when she woke up. He wasn’t letting her go this time, not without a fight. He just needed her to wake up.

.......

The time moved differently for Buck, where ever she was. Days hours turned in to days at the drop of the hat, she should be concerned that her whole life was passing before her eyes, but then well she would forget how long she’d been here. She ran along the beach, went for swims the usual stuff you’d do at the beach. She would never eat though and she’d had to admit she missed food. And even though she was scared to admit it she missed her family, if she could even call them that. When she was day dreaming she thought she could hear them sometimes Maddie was crying, Chimney and hen Telling her about work. She never heard Eddie though, but then again he is a man of few words unless his pissed but on rare occasions dreamed of Eddie holding her hand. 

She didn’t know what day it was, it something had shifted in her mind. As much as she had enjoyed the peace and tranquility of the beach at first, she was starting to feel alone. She wanted noise and people around her. It didn’t have to be anyone she knew. She wanted conversations and interaction. She tried to remember what landed her here and her head was pierced with pain. She stopped trying, her breathing heavy as she tried to get the pain under control. It was then that she heard it.

The tears of a little boy. 

‘Christopher’ she all but whispered 

She shot up from her position sitting on the beach looking around for the crying boy who was begging her to wake up and come back

‘Christopher, Christopher!’ She shouted it was like the tsunami and she had lost him all over again.

She continued screaming for him and running along the beach even to the water line to find her kid. But she just couldn’t find him. So she continued, she wouldn’t ever give up on that kid. So she searched and searched until she did.

Eddie was at a loss. He needed Buck to wake up, her needed her alive and well.he knew that whatever happened after there would be so much he needed to make up for. But he would do it, he fucked up big time and he was committed to make things right. And that started with Christopher, he had to tell his son that his favourite person was in the hospital. He omitted the details of how she got there, but he did his best. He knew he would ask to see her, again explaining to his kid that she was sick and not looking like herself was hard. Especially when he was explaining about all the wires and tubes attached to Buck. 

The strength and resilience of his kid astounded him. ‘Bucks sick dad, we have to be there for her’ he nodded to his dad as he tried not to cry.

Decision made they both headed to the hospital this time. When they arrived at her room Maddie was already there. Though they weren’t on the best of terms she had understood his need to be here to make things right. She also understood the need for Christopher to see his Bucky. Moving out of the chair closest to her so Chris could sit down she moved to the back of the room with Eddie. Both watching in silence as the boy gently held Bucks hand in his.They were like that for a while, letting the boy have as much time with her as he could, both of them holding back the tears as he told Buck of his time at school and his adventures with Carla. It was when he started to cry and sob uncontrollably that Eddie moved to get his son. Moving towards the door Maddie had a soothing presence rubbing his sons back, the other resting on his own shoulder.

It was when they both reached the door that both him and Maddie’s eyes widened in realisation. Both had been so in tune with the medical equipment on a usual day that they would have noticed the increasing beeps on the heart rate monitor sooner but having Chris clearly upset had distracted them ever so slightly that they hadn’t notice it straight away. Turning back slowly looking at the bed hoping that Bucks vitals weren’t about to drop they could clearly see what they had been praying for.

Buck was awake.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry it took so long to get this chapter up! Thank you for comments and kudos as always!

The first thing she noticed, was that she wasn’t at the beach anymore. The second was the pain that slammed into her body. There was not a hair on her body that didn’t hurt. She tried to breathe through the pain, something she thought she had mastered when she was being crushed by a fire truck and the surgeries that followed, but she couldn’t...breathe that is. Whenever she tried to she would gag, something was blocking her airway. If she was coherent enough she would recognise that it wasn’t something blocking her airway but a ventilator breathing for her. Instead she was confused, and in pain, so in her mind she did the only logical thing in her mind, she panicked.

Her heart rate was increasing, in her mind she was hyperventilating but due to the tube down her throat, she felt like she was choking, her adrenaline was spiking helping her thrash around on the bed, heavy hand raised moving towards her mouth. All she knew was she needed to breath and she couldn’t. She could hear voices speaking to her trying to get her to calm down, someone shouting for help, she knew those voices but couldn’t place them. Didn’t want to, in case she was wrong. Her heart couldn’t take it if she was, not any more. 

That’s when she heard them, the sobs of a child. The reason she wasn’t at the beach anymore. He was looking for her to, needed her to find him and she couldn’t lose him not again. There was a break in the sobs and she heard her name, it was almost a whisper, her mind barely processing it in her wild panic to be free. A small hand gripped hers gently, she needed to see, to make sure it was who she thought but the room was full of darkness. No longer thrashing wildly, her movements weaker as she calmed, three voices piercing through her panic, she couldn’t quite hear what they were saying, her mind and body not cooperating with her, there was so much going on, the movements of her body, the the racing of her mind, that she couldn’t catch up couldn’t make sense of what was going on.

‘....Eyes’ the voice was caring and gentle, she felt a hand gently stroking her hair, her eyes fluttered

‘That’s it, open your eyes Buck’ so that’s why it was so dark.

‘Shhhh, take you time, that’s it calm down. I know the tubes uncomfortable the doctors will be here soon to take it out, just let it breathe for you’

Her eyelids are heavy but she manages to open them, vision is blurry at best. Hospital her brain finally conjures up. Her senses slowly returning, she hears the panicked beeping of the heart monitor in the background, that deep rooted smell of cleanliness you only find in a hospital. Her eyes though open still struggle with blurriness but there working enough now to make out the face of the person speaking to her. Lips moving, still trying to keep her calm. It was working, until it wasn’t.

All of a sudden there’s chaos in the room. Doctors and nurses, shouting over each other, pushing that familiar face out the room. The small had that was a presence in her hand gone. The calmness of her heart racing again as the panic returned. Then hand on her body keeping her still, causing her to thrash more, pain racing through her body was again. She could her them telling her to calm down, that she’d be okay but they were restricting her body’s, shouting over her, not being the least bit calm. She was poked and prodded, lights flashed in her eyes. As much as she hated to admit it she needed that voice back, the calm and gentle touch that ran through her hair. Her heart rate was speeding up at the over crowding of the room, her thrashing increased and she had started to choke over the tube again.

‘Everybody out’ a voice of authority floated through the room.

‘You’re okay Miss Buckley, I got you’ a women spoke, a kind yet stern voice appeared before me.

So went about checking me vitals, as I felt another presence in the room. He was back. Buck signed in relief as she felt him grab her hand, which result in another choked sound over the tube. She knew though that as much as she was relieved again to see his face that she was still hurt. She was just to out of it at the moment to realise. 

‘Okay Miss Buckley, I’m going to remove the breathing tube. I won’t lie it won’t be pleasant. When I tell you too I’m going to need you to breath out. Don’t worry if you cough or are sick it’s a normal reaction okay’ the doctor explains

She starts preparing everything she needs and Buck follows her instructions. The feeling of the tube being removed from her throat is more than unpleasant. She squeezes the hand that’s holding hers as tight as she can. The doctor was right she coughs and gags and her eyes water, the only reason she doesn’t throw up is because she can tell there’s nothing in her stomach to throw up. When finally the thing is removed she’s carefully rolled on to her side, probably in case she’s sick. They give her a few minutes and then place an oxygen mask over her face. As she returns to whatever sense she has she can’t start to feel the pain running through her body, her stomach aches but nothing like her ribs and chest.

‘We’re going to leave you with a full oxygen mask for now Miss Buckley. We will see how will you oxygen intake is before switching to a nasal cannula’ Buck doesn’t realise she nods ‘I’m going to give you some pain relief and a muscle relaxer, you still have a chest tube in for the time being and you ribs took some significant damage, I don’t want you undoing all my hard work’ she says with a smile.

She lets out a laugh, but if she was being honest with her self it was a croak. As she administered the pain relief, she noticed the hand had never left hers and she hadn’t pulled away. She coughed again her throat sore and uncomfortable, he pulled her mask down and slowly fed her an ice chip, the relief was instantaneous and she let out a small smile as she felt him replace her mask. Her eyes struggled to stay open as she felt the drugs make her way through her body taking away the pain. She fought her heavy eyelids to see Eddie, standing right beside her bed, in the distance she could barely make out Christopher in Maddie’s arms. She knew that right now she needed his comfort, but that didn’t mean he was forgiven, there was going to be a long painful talk in the future. But right now right now she needed the comfort and the feeling of safety his presence gave her. She despite her relaxing muscles she gripped his hand pulled close to her chest as she drifted off into a painless sleep.

‘You play dirty Diaz’ Maddie says letting out a breath, as she clutched a still crying Christopher.

He smiles ‘I didn’t think it would work’

He was hoping it would. That is no one else could get Buck to wake up that his son could break through whatever was keeping her asleep.

They both take a breath and comfort Christopher. Explain that everything was going to be okay, he calmed down at that and Maddie sat down still with him in her arms, comforting the boy. Seeing that his son was happy to be comforted by Maddie he turned to look at Buck, she was frighteningly pale and had lost even more weight since being in the hospital despite the iv nutrients. Surprising it was Buck who still had a tight grip on Eddie’s hand, so he also sat, he’d stay for as long as she needed. He’d do anything to make up for his actions and if she needed to unconsciously hold his hand that’s what he would let her do.

With his free hand he grabbed his phone out the pocket and sent a text to the team and Athena letting them know that Buck had woken up and most importantly that she was breathing on her own. 

He knew thought that now that Buck was awake they would all have to face up to their actions. Explain themselves and beg for her forgiveness. And he knew that if he wanted Buck to ever forgive him, he was going to have to explain everything to her, and he just didn’t know if he could face the heartbreak if she ever rejected him. So he sat holding her hand as if it was the last time he would ever get to do so


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi Guys!
> 
> Sorry it took so long to get this to you, I kept messing with what I wanted to happen in this chapter.
> 
> Thank you for all your comments and kudos, I really hope I can get a chapter or two you guys quicker than what I have been
> 
> I hope you all have as good a Christmas as you can in these Covid times

Buck was in and out of sleep for the rest of the day. The bursts of wakefulness that she had there was always someone in the room with her whether it be someone from the 118, doctor or nurse. If she was more awake she would be annoyed at the hovering. But when she was aware enough to think she was happy that people were surrounding her, actions aside though not necessarily forgiven their presence made her feel safe. She remembered why she was here after all, that the injuries caused were because of one vengeful lawyer and not knowing if he had been caught was enough to welcome the those who shunned her.

It was later still when she awoke, a dull ache persisting through her body, but it was manageable at least. She would push through the need to close her eyes and need to carry on sleeping because her mind was almost clear and she had to find out what had happened. She knew what had happened to her of course but she needed to know if she should be expecting any unpleasant visitors. She also wanted to know if her home had been salvaged, she remembered a fire and the smoke but had no clue how it started.

Managing to fully open her eyes, groaning at the lights even though she was sure they were on the lowest setting of brightness. She noted her throat was sore and dry as she tried to take a deeper breath of air, the pain shooting through her ribs not so gently reminding her that was a very bad idea.

‘Owwww’ it was just about audible.

Thought she knew she’d not been left alone given the darkness coming from the windows she wasn’t expecting any sort of response. So when Maddie called out her name from the chair beside her bed, she all but shit her self. Her body jerked slightly in fright and a slight scream left her.

‘God Maddie, warn a girl next time, shit’ she complained to her apologetic sister while removing the oxygen mask still on her face as the ache in her body increased.

‘I’m so sorry! I should have know better! I’ll get a a nurse get you some more pain meds’ 

She didn’t get far though, as Buck grabbed her sisters hand and stopped her from leaving her bedside. She practically gripped that hand for life. For the first time in a long time she looked at her older sister in the eyes, Maddie’s eyes widening as she met her sisters eyes seeing all she needed to know in those bright blue eyes. She could see the emotions from start to finish betrayal, loneliness, pain, anguish, desperation and regret to name but a few. There was more in those eyes then in any words Buck could have spoken to her. She’d always been like that her baby sister, many would say she wears her heart on her sleeve but not Buck, it was all in her eyes and Maddie knew what it meant when she wasn’t guarding those eyes of hers.

‘Maddie....’ 

The broken sound came from her, all thoughts of questioning what happened had gone. Her sister was here. Still. Even after she had tried and tried to push her away to stop her getting caught in the crossfire of the chaos that is her life. But she stayed and she was here. She had barely turned back to Buck before a sob raked through her chest and tears started escaping her eyes. She felt more than saw her lower the railing on her bed and gently climb on the bed next her. She let go of Bucks hands to wrap her sister in the gentlest hug she given her since she was a baby. It didn’t take long for her body to lean in close hands gripping onto Maddie’s shirt, and well it didn’t matter that she was broken and in pain. She broke, and she broke hard.

She had no idea how long she cried for tightly clutching at her sister refusing to let her leave her side. She let the tears lose, no longer able to keep it all bottled inside. She cried and sobbed, for the life that she had lost before the truck bombing, the guilt that ate at her soul for the event of the tsunami. Then she wailed for the betrayal she felt from Bobby, the pain she inflicted on her chosen family with the lawsuit. Then she was inconsolable, for the love she had for Eddie, for the love she had lost, for the hurt she felt as her family turned there back on her and that they couldn’t see she was hurting. She cried and cried for the fear she felt when she was attacked but she also cried for the persistent thoughts that screamed at her she would have been better off not surviving the bomb.

She ended up wearing her self out and by the end of her breakdown she could only make those little pathetic sniffles when you just couldn’t cry anymore. She she just lay there in her sister lap as if she were five again and had scrapped her knee in the playground, though not hearing everything as she had her moment she new Maddie hand been speaking words of comfort, stroking her hair, rubbing her back. Everything she would have done as a kid and though it was difficult Buck took comfort in that.

After she had calmed down, she had heard Maddie speaking to someone else who had joined them in her room. Too tired to be embarrassed she just lay there in that daze that happens after you let all your emotions out and cry. 

‘Come on Buckaroo, have a little sip’ she vaguely hears as a straw is appears near her month. She complies drinking to fast as she coughs and splutters.

A tissue wipes at her face, clearly the mess she made and gave her the option for more water.

‘Slowly, this time Buck’ 

Chimney encouraged. She would have been surprised by his presence had she had the energy, still forgetting that wherever her sister or Chim goes the other is not fair. Listening to his words she avoided anymore spillages and when she was done he promptly returned the full oxygen mask, clearly concerned what her emotional episode had done for her still tender lung and still very broken ribs. It wasn’t long till a nurse had entered to give her more pain killers, and what she’s sure is a mild sedative. Chimney most likely explaining what has just happened. And though she would usually refuse, the slip in controlling her emotions left her feeling empty, weak and really fucking sore and so she welcomed the calm that came with the medication and the comfort of being in her sisters arms.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Here’s another chapter for you guys!
> 
> Really loving all the feedback from you guys! I’m also trying my best to make the chapters slightly longer for you!
> 
> As always let me know what you guys think!

Buck was honestly sick of waking up in the hospital, she hated that she needed to be there. Having gone such a long time without needing to be here and having her life blown up in her face - literally - meant she had been here not just for the emergencies she has suffered but also the never ending doctors appoints. She just wanted to be free of the place and be at home, which considering it had burned down wasn’t going to be likely for the foreseeable.

The other thing she hated about the hospital, was the severe lack of privacy. You could control that, tell the nurses you didn’t want to see anyone, and look like a complete bitch for wanting your own time instead of placating the needs of others. But more than that they give you this look especially when there’s so many people around, like they know as soon as you step into that phase of wanting to be alone and self isolate, that your not okay. They start to ask you all the questions in a way of general conversation. It really they just want to know if your mental health is about to crack. She doesn’t blame them it’s hard having your normal life disrupted but as soon as they get one hint that your about to break, they won’t leave you alone for the foreseeable. It was a good job that she was with Maddie last night when she broke and wasn’t alone, although there’s no doubt that the nurses and doctors didn’t her heartbroken sobs, she was sure that Maddie was able to deal with it. She had before after all.

That brings her to the point of privacy. She had woken up sore and achy roughly ten minutes ago, still draped across her sister and enclosed in her arms and in desperate need to move and stretch what was comforting is not necessarily comfortable and her body knew that. That wasn’t the problem though she could deal with that, no the problem was that her room was full with people, the conversation going back and forth between them, mainly about her, nothing in detail,where would she stay, who would she stay but it was happening none the less and whether they new it or not taking her decisions away from her. But the people in the room were people she really didn’t want to face just yet because if there was one thing she realised last night was that she couldn’t just pretend that these people hadn’t hurt her. They were supposed to be her team, her family and they betrayed that trust. And so she lay there and counted trying to keep her breathing even and her heart rate steady in an effort to not get caught out. It was going well, until her sister had starting squirming slightly beneath her and she suddenly felt bad for trapping her sister for god knows how long. So she decided now would have to be the time she ‘woke up’

She stretched her legs slightly, then groaned as she moved her arms and upper body. It was even fake, her body was giving her a massive fuck you to her for the position she slept in, but when she thinks about it there’s no much regret, she needed her sister and her sister didn’t turn her away, not like everyone else. Rubbing her eyes opening and shrinking back into her bed and pulling up the covers like she was a kid again once she had granted her sister freedom. She had noticed and ignored the fact the room had gone quiet choosing to keep an arm across her eyes in protest. Feeling Maddie kiss her forehead and slide away in a motion that felt like she was being left to the wolves and all she could do was sigh as she moved her arm and took of the oxygen mask with no intention of putting the damn thing back on.

She looked around the room, not at all ready to deal with literally everyone in her life just staring at her like she was some exhibit in a museum, so she stared back. Believe it or not she was a master at the silent treatment, she just didn’t like being silent, so she often chose to talk rather than hold a grudge. But when the right situation calls for it, she could go all day. Hell if the relationship with her parents was any indication she could go years. She did though make eye contact with everyone in the room, she felt empowered in that moment as they looked down at the floor or flinched away from her fierce gaze. She didn’t often present an emotionless front she didn’t like the person she turned into when she switched them off but it’s how she dealt and honestly I think the only reason she wasn’t in tears right now is because she had used them all up last night, so she would keep it up until one of them broke first, because she sure as hell wasn’t about to break in front of them.

‘So is anyone going to say anything or are you all just going to stare at your shoes?’

Of course Maddie would ruin her fun, she rolled her eyes and sighed heavily at her sister reaching for the water.

‘So when can I go home?’ Knowing the answer but still asking the question 

The response was horrified expressions, a unsurprised snort from Chimney and many more from her whole team.

‘Buck stop being stupid’ only Maddie could get away with that right now ‘you’ve only just woken up in the hospital and completely lucid for the first time after 5 days in intensive care, you won’t be leaving for at least a few more days’ her sister was damn perceptive ‘And don’t even think about signing out AMA’

She pouted relaxing more because of her sisters presence, but still feeling the awkwardness in the air. There wasn’t really much she could do to lessen that, it wasn’t her place to make them feel better, besides she’s the one in the hospital bed. 

‘And er listen Buck.....there’s no easy way to say this but your apartment...it’s pretty severely damaged from the fire’ Chimney deciding to take the easiest part of the conversation

‘Great...just great’ do not cry, do not cry she said over and over again ‘Was anything salvageable?’ The croak was absolutely because she had lung issues.

‘Not much, anything that is remotely useable I packed up, the rest is still there in case you want to check you self’ Bobby finally feeling comfortable enough to speak up she was surprised he had gone through and sorted her stuff out though.

‘What happened?’ Worry flashed across their faces, probably thinking she had a Brain injury, she scoffed

‘I mean I know what happened kinda, some of its still blurry, but what happened with the fire? Where did it come from?’

‘We were at the station when Athena came looking for you’ she was glad Hen had decided to speak up 

‘Fuck, she’s gonna kill me’ the slight amusement in everyone’s faces meant she had said that out loud and not in her head,.

‘Said you had arranged to meet and never showed up. She was worried and so was I, we all were, you’ve never not shown up without calling in’ Buck appreciated the concern from Hen, it wasn’t a lot but it was there 

‘She didn’t go into detail but said you were worried about someone, we had tried all trying to get in touch but your phone was ringing out, until it went straight to voicemail and not a second later two calls came in’

‘Two calls? For my place?’ She scrunched her face as she interrupted Hen

‘One came to us the other to LAPD, so Athena. Ours was an apartment fire, the apartment above yours, they been smoking inside and not put the cigarette out and had gone back to bed’

‘Not surprised, we all complained about it’ she shook her head

‘The guy didn’t make it, three floors sustained serious damage before we could get it under control, unfortunately with your apartment being directly underneath it took the brunt of the damage’ 

‘What about the other call?’

‘It was your neighbour Mr Cooper’ Eddie cautiously butted in

‘He wasn’t sure want was going on but he was worried heard a lot of screaming and crashing coming from your apartment said it sounded like either a robbery gone wrong or domestic violence but wasn’t aware you were seeing anyone’ there was a look on Eddie’s face, anger but there was also something else she couldn’t pin point it. But it was there non the less.

Shit. They knew something then. 

‘Athena wanted to come in and search the apartment before we went in, but it was too dangerous. Whoever did this by the time we got there he’d already gone. You place was already up in smoke, we were lucky to get to you in time. Especially with all the damage you took’ It was subtle, a small twitch of his eye, showing that Eddie was really really trying hard not to show his anger. 

‘Why didn’t you tell anyone?’ His tried to sound nonchalant but didn’t really make it

‘Don’t...just don’t’

‘Don’t what Buck! Ask why you didn't say anything about your life being in danger! To anyone! Don’t you know how serious this could have been!!! You almost died!’

‘Do we really have to do this now’

The whole room had eyes on her. Eddie was still speaking in the background but she had closed of slightly. But she could tell that Even Maddie was curious to know why she hadn’t even come to her. She wasn’t ready for this, her emotions all over the place as it is. Why did they need their answers now could it not wait.

‘Fine!! Tell me, please tell me who I should have gone to? You? You you can barely even look at me let alone speak to me so how the fuck am I supposed to tell you I have a stalker!’ Anger was pulsing through her veins

‘You all cut me off and all but cut me out of your lives! How was I supposed to tell any of you anything?! You know I tried once. Came up to the kitchen and was gonna tell you, that I was in trouble but as soon as I said a word you all looked at me with so much contempt and then I couldn’t get the words out, so I didn’t bother’ 

‘Buck....’

‘I....’

Both Eddie and Bobby tried to speak up. 

‘Guys, this is not the time or the place for this’ she looked up in surprise. Not at all expecting It to be Hen to be the one putting a stop to this but grateful non the less, she thanked her but no noise came out and she heard the apologies from each of them.

Maddie had sat back in the bed with her and grabbed a nasal cannula and placed it on her face. Not at all happy with the stress this conversation would be causing her but also not wanting her to be restricted with the full oxygen mask. 

Coughing and taking a breathe she asked the question the last question she wanted to know 

‘Did they catch him?’

‘No, there was no sign of anybody at the apartment or surrounding areas. Athena says she’ll be by later for a statement if your up to it, they did find the stuff in your locker though. The police have tried to get as much evidence from you place but with the fire....’ nodding understanding the difficulties of any evidence surviving the fire ‘but their combing through all the security footage to try and identify your attacker’

Her eyes widened and her breath caught in her throat they didn’t know who it was yet. 

‘Buck?’ Eddie, it was always Eddie who caught her slip ups 

‘Buck, do you know who did this to you?’

Buck nodded, slight tears in her eyes but also an undertone of fear, because they hadn’t caught him, didn’t even know who it was. 

‘It was Chase. Chase Mackay’

Her teams eyes widened in shock and disbelief that a lawyer could do this. It wasn’t them she was concerned about though. It was Eddie, the shock and anger would be usual, but he looked damn near murderous.

‘I’m going to fucking kill the bastard’ were the words he uttered as he turned to leave her room

‘Eddie don’t! Eddie!’


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey loves,
> 
> I’m so sorry this took so long! Got a bit stuck with lockdown woes. I’m hoping to try and get some more out later this week for you all! Thanks for sticking with me!

‘Can someone go and stop him before he gets arrested again?!’ 

Everyone’s eyes wide with shock that she knew about that. Not having much time to think it over before Eddie did something more stupid than joining an illegal fight ring Bobby was the one to run after him.

‘So you er, found out about the fighting?’ Chimney spoke back up.

‘Oh yeah, none of you are exactly quiet, especially when your ripping into people for their stupidity’

‘Look Buck, we’re all sorry...’

‘Hen, please don’t’

‘Please Buck, I’m sorry for the way we treated you. The way I treated you. I’ve been on the receiving end of shit like this and I’m disgusted with myself for it. I’m not going to ask for your forgiveness because I don’t deserve it, and if you let me I’ll do anything to make it up to you and be the friend you deserve. And you can come to me. If you need anything at all’

The apology was sincere she could see it in Hen’s eyes. This was so difficult for her she had been craving her family back so much but they had still hurt her so badly.

Chimney had also started his own spill of an apology mulling over their words, Maddie still beside her she had tears in her eyes she tried her best not to let them fall.

She also sensed another presence n the room but did her best not to acknowledge it  
‘This is....God I can’t do this right now, i get you guys are sorry but this is too much right now’

They looked like kicked puppies when she didn’t give them the time of day but in all honesty what were they expecting. She’s in a fricken hospital bed. Turning to look at the door she noticed that it was Athena who had joined the group, meaning Bobby must still be trying to either find Eddie or calm him down.

‘Guys, I'm gonna need the room if it’s okay with Buck, I need to get your statement’

She threw her head back in the pillow and sighed utterly exhausted already.

‘Yeah that’s fine’

After everyone had pilled out Athena moved to sit by Buck, the looking smaller than ever in her hospital bed. The poor kid looked like a walking bruise even though it had been 5 days since the initial attack.

‘Girl, if you didn’t already look half dead I’d kill you myself for not coming to be me sooner’ she said as she leaned down placing a gentle kiss on her forehead like a mother would do.

She looked up with scared wide eyes, filling with tears ‘ I’m sorry Thena’ she quietly whispered back

‘Now look here, I know there’s been something going on with the team, and my husband. But that does not mean I won’t ever be there for you. You can always always come to me if you need anything’

Some of the tears dropped down her pale faces and all she could do was nod in response

‘Now are you up to telling me what happened?’ 

Well guess it was time to get back to business.

Buck told her everything that happened that night. She remember pretty much everything, her timing was a bit off, but that wasn’t much of a big deal. She told Athena everything she needed to know. It was hard for both of them. Buck having to relive that night, remember everything and for Athena having to listen about what her kid had to go through. She had her fist tight in her hand all the way through but struggled to keep a straight face when Buck had run upstairs to the bedroom. Although practically all evidence had been destroyed, Buck took great delight in telling Athena that she had taken pictures of everything sent, and anything sent electronically had been backed up and was ready to be sent. She just need to login to her cloud so she could send it. Happy she had everything she needed after letting Buck use her phone, she was about to get up to leave when Buck grabbed her hand.

‘Could you, er, could you stay a little while? I just, today’s been a lot’ she sniffed for added dramatics ‘I’ll probably fall asleep soon but I won’t if everyone comes back in’ she asks

‘Of course baby, anything you need’

Letting go of Bucks hand she moved it to her head, gently stroking as a mother would hoping the action would help her relax and get the rest she needed. Not ten minutes later she was leaving the room and quietly shutting the door behind her.

Everyone who was there before her stood up as if to go back in she put a hand up

‘Ah, ah, ah, give the kid a breather, she’s had a heavy morning and just gone back to sleep. Don’t you dare go barging in there waking her up’

Thankfully she was met with little resistance and the whole group started to disband apart from Maddie of course., who quietly made her way back into the room and decided to take the time to grab lunch.

It was much later in the day when a Buck felt marginally better after being bombarded by the team and then having to give her statement to Athena. Grateful for having Athena as a barrier to the incoming apologies and explanations meant that she got some sleep, albeit slightly restless, and uncomfortable, so much so she had relented and pressed the button that released the pain killers into her IV and let her drift off. She remembered though in a brief moment of wakefulness instructing her sister to go home and sleep herself. Smiling before she left the room she managed to make her smile by also letting her know she needed a shower.

Now wide awake in the late afternoon she was alone, she’d been given some food that she was unenthusiastically attempting to eat, and by that she was moving the food around the plate . It was the first time she had been alone since waking up and she didn’t know how to feel. This morning she had felt utterly outnumbered and pressured when all she wanted to do was forget the whole thing had happened. On the other hand the very empty room she was in felt undeniably unsafe. Well at least to her. Hospitals were a public place, meaning anyone could walk in. She was no longer in the ICU meaning anyone could visit. Including deranged lawyers who had already made it into her secure apartment building meaning a hospital would be easy. Buck sighed, as much as she hated it the team at this point were the lesser of two evils, and she knew that having one of them here meant there was a highly unlikely chance of Chase McKay showing up.

Focusing on the plate of food which looked to be a bad attempt at meatloaf she contemplated her options. Go hungry or die of food poisoning. Least she was already in the hospital if said food poisoning occurred. On the other hand if she didn’t start eating the hospital wouldn’t let her go home, the thought coming to mind as a nurse walked past checking to see how she was doing with her food. With a sigh bringing the food up to her mouth, the smell also making her feel nauseous.

‘Buck!’

The excited shout interrupting the bite she was about to take. Tears in her eyes again as she looked up and saw Christopher, rushing into the room as fast as he could on his crutches, his father not far behind him.

‘Superman!, I missed you’

He made his way to the bed and she reached down to pick him up and place Chris down next to her, forgetting the reason she was in the hospital in the first place at the same time Eddie had muttered a warning.

‘Careful Buck, don’t hurts yourself...well more’

It was awkward they both knew it was and probably would be for the foreseeable, but she knew it would be a lot worse if it was just Eddie on his own so small mercies. She hugged Chris as tight as she could without hurting the boy, she had truly missed happiness he had brought into her life.

Leaning down she placed a kiss on his forehead ‘Thanks for finding me superman’

‘But you was always here?’ He looked up confused

‘I was here but I wasn’t, I was lost for a while’ she smiled ‘And you found me and brought me back’

He smiled at that and leaned in to give her another hug ‘ I missed you Buck’

‘Wait! Daddy you have to give Buck the surprise!’

In all honesty Eddie had been so quiet she had forgot he was there. She looked up and met his eyes, quickly breaking the contact they shared. He quickly walked towards the chair besides the bed lifting two bags, a paper bag and a duffle.

‘So the genius that this little man is, had brought you a hospital care package’ 

He lifted the duffle, and started emptying the contents, there was a lot of pictures that Chris had drew himself, the blanket they often used when creating forts for movie nights and a small stuffed animal, her breath caught in her throat as she realised what it was.

‘Chris, are you sure?’

‘You need Dory right now Buck!, hospitals are scary’

‘That was the one thing he wanted to make sure we brought’ Eddie confirmed as she looked to him to check.

‘Oh Buddy, thank you’ placing another kiss on his head

‘You only get her for now though! I need her back!’ She snorted out a laugh, as did Eddie, she loved that kid.

‘There’s, em some other bits in there I thought you might like, some sweats and hoodies for when you’re less hooked up to the machines’ 

‘Thanks Eddie’ she meant it too

‘And finally, you’re favourite’ he said lifting up the paper bag she had forgotten about.  
‘We stopped by you favourite dinner, I know how much you hated the food the last time you were here’ he smiled looking at the plate ‘ and judging by the looks of that meatloaf it’s still just as bad! Here, it’s just a plain burger and fries, didn’t want to over do it’ he explained while emptying the food onto her table

‘Ok, I think I love you’ it was so steady to fall back into old habits she didn’t realise what she’d said until she said it.

Choosing to ignore the slip she leaned forward Chris still at her side and started to try and eat. And eat she did her appetite finally returning. She even went as far to tell Eddie off when he tried to sneak a fry, loving the laugh he gave in return as he slapped her hand away and Chris echoing laughter as he drew on her cast. For the first time in a long time she felt happy, settled and even though there was still things to talk about, she was just happy for the peace she felt. After a few hours with her boys she fell asleep, she felt her favourite blanket being place over her, Dory being tucked in at her side and she new she was safe. She also knew that feelings would get her in trouble.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys,
> 
> I’m not sure how this happened but it did! I have another chapter for you. And I’m pretty sure it’s my longest chapter yet!
> 
> Sorry for any missed typos or mistakes
> 
> As always love you comments and feedback so please let me know what you think! :D

Buck had been in the hospital just over a week, her recovery generally going in the right direction. She no longer had a chest tube - the removal process for that had been less than pleasant - and although her oxygen levels weren’t up to scratch she didn’t have to wear the cannula 24/7 anymore for which she was grateful, the thing was irritating. She choose to ignore the information her doctor had given her a couple of days ago on the morning after Chris and Eddie had brought her, her care package. For which looking back on it was one of the best things Eddie could have done at the time. Now that she was no longer hooked up to machines, catheter’s (ugh) and though she still have the IV on the back of her hand for medication she no longer needed the drip meaning she could finally where her sweats. Well the bottoms where hers, she often chose to ignore the fact that she was currently wearing Eddie’s LAFD jumper, she also chose to ignore the look everyone else gave her when wearing said jumper and gave a frightening glare back, with a stern ‘hospitals are cold’

But it was because of such good progress that she was currently arguing with her doctor, trying to convince her to be discharged, which was not at all a surprise. Buck usually had the skills to get around doctors. She’d been around them enough in her life, that she could usually get her way, but not this time. She had finally met her match in the form of Doctor Martin. She didn’t stand for nonsense, which is what she thought of Buck leaving the hospital. They were currently going back and forth neither getting there way or backing down. Honestly if it was someone else on the receiving end she’d be impressed, as it were she was incredibly frustrated, she knew she’d be stomping her foot on the floor if she had the energy. Which only frustrated her more because it proved she wasn’t quite ready to leave the hospital. If that wasn’t bad enough it infuriated Buck more when the Doc didn’t even raise her voice and remained completely calm.

‘No absolutely not’

‘There is no reason for me to be here another week! Im even walking around now’

‘Evan, i will not be discharging you until I’m a hundred sure you are ready to leave. You feel okay now but your still getting regular doses of pain medication’

‘Which I can take at home!’

‘Which will not be prescribed to you outside this hospital. You oxygen levels aren’t back up to where they should be and I’m still worried that your fever could be an infection.’

She went to interrupt but the door opened and in walked her sister,Athena and the majority of the 118 minus Hen and Bobby.

‘We will see where your levels are at in a few days, and discuss it them but for now your not going anywhere’ the Doc paused moving her eyes to Maddie and Eddie ‘I trust I can count on you to keep my patient from bolting?’ Understand fell on their faces and responded with a nod of assurance.

Buck huffed loudly and turned her back to the side everyone was stood on. Not the slightest bit impressed at not getting her way. She knew where this attitude came from, most people out growing this kind of petulance at a younger age, but she never got that as a child. Everything had been so strict. So she took the Liberty to indulge in her emotions every now and again, which often led to sulking over things she couldn’t control or being overly excited. Maddie knew she could sometimes be like this, Eddie also had seen some of this behaviour, which she knew amused him when it wasn’t serious, he also knew when she was genuinely upset and how to deal with it. It wasn’t Chimneys fault really, he was trying to lighten the mood and cheer her up and well to be honest she didn’t even her what he said, she just wanted to be alone. She doesn’t even know how she managed it really because everything still ached and she didn’t have full range of motion. Either way she shouldn’t have thrown the pillow at his face.

‘Buck!’ Maddie scolded everyone was was torn between shock and laughter, Eddie though was concerned.

‘There was no need for that and you know it Buck, your know better than that’

She didn’t move and just pulled the hood of her hoodie over her head along with the blanket as Maddie continued.

She felt the blanket being pulled down and a hand touch her face, making her open her eyes. Eddie stood at the bed hands gripping the handle of a wheelchair, she look up in confusion.

‘C’mon, let’s take a walk’

She looked between him and Maddie carefully considering her options and proceeded to get up and sit in the chair. He pressed her blanket in her hands before he rolled her out the room passing a confused Bobby and Hen as they noticed their sullen looking team member being rolled away.

They eventually made their way to a small garden on hospital grounds. Usually when she had been slightly like this before it was mostly in jest and it had been a back and forth between the both of them nothing to serious, as Eddie scold her while laughing and saying ‘Your tantrums are worse than my kid’s’ and then they’d kinda talk through it. Eddie knew he couldn’t be the first to speak now. He lost the right to do that months ago, but he could still recognise when his best friend needed a minute to compose her emotions and work through them without prying eyes. So they sat there in silence, until she was ready to talk or until she was ready to go back in. 

‘I just want to go home’ she said after 15 minutes of silence.

‘I know Buck, you and I both know neither of us do well in hospitals, but sometimes there the best place we need to be’ she looked at him like he’d grown two heads

‘But I can do everything I need to be able to do, it’s literally not fair’

‘Evan, I know we might not be on great terms right now. And you might not want to here it from me, but we both know you’re not ready to leave yet. The fever you have going on should be enough to tell you that’

She appreciated that he acknowledged they weren’t ok and it was still something they need to discuss.

‘Do you want to tell me what this is really about?’

She took a deep breath ‘I can’t’ he looked disappointed but she hadn’t finished yet ‘ I can’t go home Eddie, even if I’m discharged I can’t go home’ his has hand on hers as she carried on

‘I loved that apartment, it was my own space and I worked so hard to have a place like that. And he took it from me, even if it hadn’t been burnt down he took it from me’

‘Oh Buck, I know you loved it at that place, it will be hard but you will find somewhere to make a home again. I know it hasn’t felt like it a lot these last few months but we are all here for you. For whatever you need, whenever you need it’

She sighed knowing this was gonna happen sooner or later

‘You all left, all of you did. Even before the lawsuit’

Eddie listened, he had to be different than how he was before not to hearing what he wanted to her and if he wanted to repair his relationship with Buck he needed to listen.

‘I’ll admit the lawsuit wasn’t my brightest move. But I wasn’t in a good place Eddie, and when I get like that the wrong kind of people know just the right thing to say to get in my head. Mackay was one them. Knew exactly what to say and when to say, so while every one was telling me to “Buck up” he was manipulating the situation to suit him and want he wanted’

She took a breath and allowed Eddie to squeeze her hand 

‘Finding out it was Bobby who was holding me back broke me. I was so fucking blindsided and angry. I’d worked so hard to get better and back to work and so I could get back to my family because I missed you all. It was enough for Mackay’s manipulation to get it into my head, despite popular belief I didn’t ring him, he was keeping an ever watchful eye for people to scam knew where’d you’d be at what time. If I was in the right frame of mind I would have clicked on sooner but I was hurt. And he was a snake ready to strike’

Noticing that she was shaking he placed his jacket around her shoulders and lifted his arm the offer there if she wanted the comfort. She stared for a few minutes before leaning.

‘But I admit I let my emotions get the better of me. I was so angry because Bobby hadn’t seen me, barely any of you had, so why did y’all have the right to judge if I’m fit to return to work. Why did he suddenly have the right to be making decisions for me, I’d had enough of that as a kid. It hit me hard that he was doing that especially because I had the backing of my doctors and therapists. Hell even the union was backing the case.’

She took a minute and accepted the water he offered her.

‘You know, I think back to the day in the grocery store, and you were all so pissed. I was so ashamed for fighting for myself. And when you told me I was exhausting, that hit me hard.  
Because that’s all I’ve ever been told my whole life by my parents, teachers and instructors. You were all so focused on making me feel like shit that that store was the closest to the hospital, I wasn’t stalking you guys and I’d just come from an appointment that hadn’t gone so well. When I dropped the suit I wasn’t expecting sunshine and rainbows, but I thought there’d at least be professionalism. I didn’t say anything about McKay stalking me because I didn’t think I had anyone to tell’

Buck was surprised that she still had her wits about her, that she wasn’t crying and could keep her focus. She hadn’t finished, but Eddie still knew her well enough to not interrupt her just yet and let her gather her thoughts.

‘You know, I thought it’d be easy dealing with not having anyone around. My whole life had been a giant pocket of loneliness and disappointment so when you guys started fading from my life I thought I’d be able to deal with it but I guess you made more of an impact than I thought’

Eddie didn’t say anything but the look of confusion was enough to make her sigh and continue.

‘There’s a reason I got so attached to all of you, it’s also the reason I don’t talk about childhood or my parents’

‘Buck you don’t have to’ Eddie jumped in when he saw she was struggling 

‘I do though, it explains why I am the why I am’

So he nodded and just waited for her to continue

‘I’m sure you gathered by mine and Maddie’s age difference, that I was a surprise and not planned. My parents though surprised adapted, my dad had still had thing for having a boy and so he was excited at the prospect, he already had his baby girl. They didn’t find out the sex, which is probably why I’m still here. Safe to say I wouldn’t be if they had, it also explains my name. From the moment I was born I was a disappointment, it was worse because I wasn’t an easy baby, I got sick early on so I needed a lot more fuss than they wanted to give’

‘I guess they both tried to an extent, dad would teach me all about sports and make go to all the sports classes and after clubs, you name it I did it. I hated it, it was too much all the time, never got time to myself. Mom she tried to make me like her and that was just as bad. Little things that I did wrong seemed to get extreme punishments, it was gradual the transition but it wasn’t until Maddie left that they started to really let lose. Well my dad did my mom just watched, not saying a word. He was so careful with where he hit me but sometimes he’d fuck up and go to far and they had no choice to take me to the hospital. Different ones each time, they always new watch to say. ‘There’s some kids at school, she’s having trouble with’ was the favourite’

Eddie squeezed Buck pulling her closer to him and fighting the rising anger inside, that isn’t what she needed right now.

‘I ran when I was 18, he almost killed me over dance classes. It’s funny it was the one thing that I loved and my mom did to and it was the only thing we had bonded over. She said it was our little secret. But dad hated it, hated anything that I did that was remotely feminine. He beat me so bad when he found out I’d been offered a scholarship that I had to withdraw my acceptance, was unlikely that I would get the chance to dance professionally. He ruined me and I just couldn’t take it anymore. So I left didn’t tell anyone where I was going and made some really bad decisions along the way’ she paused ‘you can’t freak out at me if I tell you this next bit, you can’t go of and do you illegal fight club stuff, okay’

Eddie looked in her eyes shocked that one she knew about that and then took a minute to examine her face, whatever she wanted to say was bad he knew that. And he was sure at some point he was going to take his frustrations out on the punching bag and not an actual person.

‘It’s okay Buck, I won’t do anything stupid’

‘I went of the rails a bit when I was free of my parents, tried out different things, experimented with drugs normal kid stuff. But I still looked after myself for the most part well I tried. A lot of my coping mechanisms when I was younger was not eating, so much so I was borderline anorexic, I didn’t self harm or anything but I also didn’t think to look after my mental health when I left. Kinda just ignored the trauma of it all, when I tried out for the Navy I scared myself so much I dropped out. It was only a year after I’d left home and it wasn’t that I got to emotional, it was because I could turn them off . I was so good at disassociating from my self that I scared myself and others. I dropped out and set about finding something else, but my dad found me, he had an old buddy in the Navy who mentioned I was in the area. It was bad though, the worst he’d ever beaten me. He er, he almost...he almost.....well I’m sure you know what I’m trying to say. I kinda went of the rails after that. Worse than last time, but eventually it hit me hard. I was alone and always had been. So I just thought why not go and leave it all behind. I got so low that I drunk and took a bunch pills’

It took so much for Eddie to remain calm, knowing Buck didn’t need the rise of his anger. He was surprised though, he knew she didn’t talk about her past for a reason he just didn’t think it went this deep.

‘It was different when I met you guys, I didn’t know that I was looking for a family until I already had it,I tried not to let people get to close at first, but then everyone was just there all the time, it was impossible not to let you all in. You guys were there until you guys weren’t and I didn’t deal with it that well, both before and after the lawsuit. I was managing for the most part, I did fall back on some bad habits after...well after the night you left’ 

Eddie looked up in a panic

‘Not what your thinking, Ed’s, people go through the motions all the time, hell I still had bad days before the the bomb. And yes when I get like that a lot of things come up, insecurities, nightmares and the like. So I don’t sleep, then I don’t eat and I over work myself at the gym and well I switch off. To be honest it’s mild compared to how I used to be. The Guys thought Buck 1.0 was bad, well she was nothing compared to who I was before then’

She looked up at Eddie, trying to read his face. Buck could tell he was struggling with a lot of the information he had told her, things she hadn’t told anyone apart from an old therapist, one that didn’t go around sleeping with their clients. She could see the emotions fighting for control, he kept everything so bottled up it wasn’t a surprise he ended up in an illegal fighting ring. She waited a few minutes to let him gather his thoughts.

‘I’m sorry Buck’ if she wasn’t mistake there were tears in his eyes, barely there, but just about noticeable. 

‘This isn’t an excuse, but you know I don’t deal with my feelings very well’

She snorted at that, she couldn’t help herself. He responded with a small smile it didn’t quite reach his eyes.

‘Shannon died. I let her back into mine and Chris’s lives and she left. I know she died, but she was going to leave us anyway. She had asked for a divorce the night before but then it didn’t matter because she was dead. Then you get crushed by the fire truck and god I was so scared I was going to lose you too, I don’t know how I kept it together enough to treat you. Then everything else that followed, the PE, the Tsunami. It was like the universe was constantly trying to take away everything I cared about. You know I never blamed you for the tsunami right? You still the person I trust Chris with the most, I don’t even trust my parents with him the way I do you’

She looked up eyes confused and questioning at that. Eddie nodded back in return.

‘They tried to take him from me. Once before we moved her and again after Shannon died. After the tsunami I didn’t mean to start pulling away from you. I don’t think I noticed myself doing it at first, but I was struggling at the prospect of losing you, because I was convinced that you were going to be taken away from me. When we found you and then Chris, and you collapsed, I’d never been so panicked. We did CPR for what felt like a lifetime until we got you back, and even then none of us were convinced you’d be okay.’

She nodded the tsunami had taken its toll on her body, that wasn’t quite at full strength.

Eddie smiled then a true smile full of pride

‘Of course you proved every single one of us wrong. I should have been there for you when you needed me but I had it stuck in my head that the other shoe was about drop and you’d be snatched away again, my pulling away before the lawsuit was me trying to protect myself from the heartbreak you’d leave behind if you left us....left me. It was the same when the lawsuit happened, except this time you were still here, but you were still gone. Everything, just got messy and instead of focusing on fixing things and telling you to just stop trying to leave me, I let myself just get so angry. Not just at you at the whole world and then sometimes sometimes someone else’s outlet, isn’t the one for you’

She rolled her eyes at the last bit. It was hard but she did feel like they were finding some common ground.

‘I was still trying to sort through things with Frank. He’d been trying to convince me to speak to you but I felt like things had gone to far and you wouldn’t want to speak to be back. So I stayed quiet, just needed some time to figure things out. But then I we didn’t have anytime and you nearly died. Again’ he gave her a look cutting off what she was about to say.

‘When I saw you in your apartment that day, I already thought you were dead, that I was too late. When I realised you were still alive, that there was still a chance you’d live I promised myself that I would do better. Better for you, and for Chris. That instead of pushing you away I’d be there for you like I should have been all along. You were never exhausting Buck, it was me who was exhausted of fighting my feelings. So if you’d let me I’d like to try and make it up to you’

Eddie was a man of little words. The fact he had sad so much was a surprise to Buck, but she was grateful none the less. Nothing between her and Eddie would be fixed unless they actually spoke about things. And no matter how hard she had tried to hate him, even move on from him she couldn’t. They had a connection, a connection that neither one of them could get past.

‘You really hurt me when you left’

He looked devastated 

‘But i think we both did some pretty dumb shit, that could have been avoided if we’d had this conversation earlier’ he calmed down and she noticed a slight glimmer of hope in his eye

‘If we are going to try and do want think your suggesting, we need to be different’

She was cold and shaking but she pushed through ‘it’s going to be hard and the repercussions from this haven’t hit me yet. I won’t be pleasant to be around, I also think given the circumstances we can’t rush, we’re both clearly working through shit and we need to build trust back up’

‘I can live with that. And whatever you need I’ll be here whenever you need me to be’

‘This means no more fighting, and running of to defend my honour’

‘Okay then, this means no more dying in my arms. 4 times is enough Evan’

Smiling for the first time in a long time she saw a more hopeful future in store than what she did a week ago

‘There’s something else, i want to be honest with you from now on. I need to tell you something and I will tell you, I’m just not ready to yet. I’m still trying to process everything. But I what I you to know I’m not hiding it from you, I’m just trying to work through it’

‘It’s okay Buck, when your ready I’ll be hear. I promise I’ve got your back okay’

The last words taking her back to the moment of her lying on the ground struggling to breathe and those exact words being whispered in her ear. She looked up at him and forgoing her own request and taking things slow, just this once, she pulled his face down to her level and kissed him hard on the lips.

Eddie pulled away was she was starting to lose her breath, kissing her on the forehead he stood

‘Come on, we better get you warmed up. I don’t want to be blamed for making your fever worse....Maddie and Athena will have my ass’

She laughed 

‘And you, you need to apologise to Chimney’ Eddie smirked as she groaned

‘Hey it’s not all bad, Bobby’s cooked up a storm. And I’ll warn you now there’s already a fight taking place on where you’ll be staying’

Her stomach rumbled at the thought of Bobby’s food. She had still yet to speak to him, and she would. She’d speak to them all properly and her them out and go from there. She did bite at her lip at the thought of decisions being made concerning her without her though.

‘Hey, don’t worry I’ll speak to them okay, and Maddie too if you want. You can decide where you want to stay’ he said squeezing her shoulder

‘Thanks Eddie’

To which he promptly leaned down aa he was pushing her back inside the hospital and placed another kiss. Both of them finally feeling a spark of happiness course through them.


End file.
